Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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