ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize