i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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