i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
