Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
