boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize