The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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