Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
