Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize
