I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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