i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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