i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I currently don't understand fingers.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
