paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
