Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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