Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
