We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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