You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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