If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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