the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
