why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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