I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
