She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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