I want to make a zoo with you.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
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