Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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