I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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