Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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