i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize