Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
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