I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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