Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
as a side note pls kill me
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