I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
