How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize