I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
