Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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