you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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