I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
