I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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