this beer tastes like vomit already
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
