she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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