dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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