I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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