Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
