Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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