i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
