Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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