You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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