I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
