just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
