I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She bit a glass in half.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
