Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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