accomplished twins. life is a go
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
