I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
