My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
