You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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