You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
