Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
