i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and i looked up. we had an audience...
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
