you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
