My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
