Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I pour the whiskey from now on
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
